I have a big wad of chew in my bottom lip. I just finished watching a movie. It's dark out...cold out. I'm in New York, far away from all my friends and family. And I'm wondering - what has become of my life? I used to be so driven. I had goals. Not only did I have goals, but I worked at them incessantly and made progress while doing so. I believed in people. More importantly, I believed in myself.
I'm doing stuff that I would never have done not too long ago. I'm thinking in ways that I never would have before. I used to work so hard to reach my goal of getting into a nice college. I thought that was the only thing that was missing in my life - that if I could do it, then I could just coast on through life from then on. But life seems to have somewhat of an ironic side. In coming here, I now feel like I'm missing a part of my life. I can't really pinpoint and put into words what that thing that I'm missing is, but I know I used to have it and it's not there anymore.
Is there any hope for me? Can I ever go back to the old days? I think those questions deserve two different answers. As life has been telling me, no I can't go back to the old days. What's gone is gone. People change. And they change permanently. If you rely too much on memories to go on through life, you start living in that dream and forget about the present. Maybe "forget" isn't the right word. I still remember my current life quite well. I've just developed somewhat of a disregard for it.
So what's the problem? Why are you even here? Are you here to just fail in all your classes, relationships...life in general? That's what it seems like to me. I've been trying to do well. But it's like I face this wall every time I try to get past this cycle. This cycle of failing and feeling horrible and failing some more.
I need to move on. I need to move on. I need to move on. I can say it all I want. It just hasn't been happening. I love my friends, but I should make new ones. I'm not ready to though. I still refuse to. But even if I won't, I still need to do well here. I'm wasting time and money if I'm going to go through college half-assed, not even wanting to be here. I tell myself that I have no reason to try hard. That even if I do succeed, it won't amount to anything. that's kind of true. I need to figure out life. I need a reason to live. I know I have one. I have to have one. If I don't, then I need to lie to myself - make myself believe I do have one. At least lie to myself until I do find out the real reason to live.
I think I'm going to try and tackle this reason for living. Now is as good of a time as any. I doubt I'll figure it out, but I'll try anyways. So. Let's take the most obvious possibility. God, religion, heaven, hell, all that. I used to "be" a Christian. I actually believed it. Sort of. Mainly on the surface. Whatever it was that I had for Christianity, I've given it up. Just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I think it's a good thing. I don't want to lie to myself anymore about it. I'm kind of a logical person and it just doesn't fit together with reality. So scratch that. Money? Not anymore. I used to kind of believe that money would solve everything. But I know now that it won't. And...I'm spent. I've made no progress on this whole dilemma. To be solved later...
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